Michael Clarke (John Coffey) won a Best Supporting Actor gong at The Critics’ Choice Movie Awards for his outsized performance as a magical negro helping the predominantly cream-white cast learn an important lesson about… something.

Hey Alan (The Beige Index Intern), what was the lesson?

Oh right. Thank you Alan.

Readers, Alan has kindly sent an email reminding us that the lesson was about locking up the nice beige person and constantly expecting them to work miracles.

Like the time we 'rudely' made Alan return our two honey soy lattes made from Peruvian single origin coffee when we learned that the barista was not in fact from Peru.

Or the time we 'rudely' decided to move our launch date forward by a month, giving him only 48 hours to write something interesting about each of the top 250 films.

Or the time we 'rudely'... wow, this email is very long. We'll read it some other time.