Our open letter to Universal:

Dear Universal,

Let’s not beat around the bush. Everyone knows Jaws. It’s an institution. It birthed the summer Hollywood blockbuster. But let’s be real. The franchise has aged badly. Did you know that every single credited cast member in the film was white? This ain’t the seventies anymore. You can’t get away with that shit these days.

You can feel it in the water though, right? Jaws is due for a reboot. And no, we’re not talking about Jaws 2 (1978), Jaws 3-D (1983) or Jaws: The Revenge (1987). Nobody’s talking about them.

Buddy! We’re talking the legacyquel treatment! Think Top Gun: Maverick (2022) . Blade Runner 2049 (2017). Creed (2015). Guaranteed dollars.

So here’s our pitch. We’ve got the whole screenplay written up. We’ve got director Bong Joon Ho on speed dial. You ready?

Nix the great white shark. Bring in the sandbar shark. Oh the sandbar shark has got it all: badass predator, hangs around coastal waters, beige skin. Still eats white people though. And we mean eats so many white people. That’s the key to capturing the international box office. Beige audiences will see it as a metaphor.

So guys, let’s make some metaphorical money here. Have your beige people call our beige people.

Much love,

The Beige Index team