A horror film with Black people in it? Oh you best believe we’re going to be bringing up The Beige Death Index. And guess what? This film has a bugfuck crazy score of 0%. No beige deaths.

Yes. Unbelievable. We made Alan (The Beige Index Intern) triple-check. T.K. Carter (Nauls) and Keith David (Childs) make it through unscathed. Though some depressing broader-universe The Thing lore (comics and novelisation, which, yes, we also made Alan read) suggests that Nauls was a goner.

But that doesn’t count. The man made it to the credits safe and sound? That’s good enough for us.